That seems to be a topic that’s never discussed in-depth.
For some people, depression causes some to take their own life by means of
suicide. Why do people with mental health illnesses take their own lives? To
them, they reached the conclusion that suicide was the solution to end all the
mental and emotional pain they’ve been suffering for any period of time
(whether weeks, months, or years). Suicide is not cowardly, but rather, a desperate
act that was reached with a clouded thought process. If you know someone who is
discussing suicide, take it seriously and immediately get them some help!
For those of us that never even considered the option of
taking our own lives, we need to tell our stories of suffering from depression
and other mental illnesses, so maybe we could save someone’s life! Mental health
is a life or death issue. Anyway, back to the topic at hand... what does
depression do to a person? Depression can severely cloud your thought
processes, cloud your judgment, and cloud your thinking. This is all on a
subconscious level, too. There is no “thinking your actions and words through.”
First, depression convinces you that everything is fine,
when, in fact, it is quite the opposite. From February to April, I had friends
constantly ask me if I was okay. I would tell them, “Yes, I’m okay,” or “Yes,
I’m fine” when, in fact, I knew I wasn’t. Who was I trying to convince, them or
myself? There are some days you wake up, and no matter what happens, you are
not going to feel any joy at all whatsoever. It didn’t matter if I won the Powerball
or Mega Millions (if memory serves me correctly, there were at least two big
jackpots that were available earlier this year), owned a Mercedes Benz, had a
girlfriend, had a job and made good money, and my living situation was better.
I came to the conclusion that even if I would’ve had all of those things, the joy
I would’ve felt from all of that would have been fleeting.
Depression convinces you that you are just not good enough
for anything or anybody that you are involved with (friendship, relationship,
whatever.) For me, depression convinced me that I was nothing more than a nuisance
and a pest to a couple of friends, and when I said that to one of my friends, I
didn’t get that reassurance I was subconsciously seeking. Instead, my
depression basically said, “I told you so, Jim. Now you have to tell them you
were joking. Everyone likes a joke, right?” That didn’t go over well at all,
and in fact, made things worse. My depression lied to me and caused a
friendship to go down like the Titanic.
Depression also causes you to not concentrate on any tasks
in front of you. I already have ADHD (diagnosed at 13 years old) and I like to
think that I do a decent enough job concentrating on basic tasks these days
(such as writing this article.) However, with depression, it just amplified my
ADHD. I had a job as a title researcher for a company. Took the job in March,
and just couldn’t meet their strict deadlines. The higher-ups even gave me a
“good talkin’ to” and told me to shape up or else. In late April, I got
notified that the client was restructuring for a couple of weeks, and that we
would all be called back to work. After I got the phone call, I explained to them
that I was in the process of getting my personal life straightened out and I
needed a couple more weeks off. They asked me to come in to the office and meet
with them. In that meeting, I straight up explained to them what I was
diagnosed with (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and that I was in the midst of
counseling. Not even a week later, I received an e-mail letting me know that my
contract was terminated.
Depression convinces you that you need to do something
impulsive in order to be happy again. There’s a local used car dealership in
town that had a used Mercedes Benz that I thought was in my price range. One
sunny Saturday in March, I went down to the dealership and took a look at the
car. I got in, sat in it, played around with it, but did not test drive it. I
told the salesman, “Let’s do this!” We went inside to his desk and I was
approved for financing. He had a bunch of papers for me to read and sign. I
could feel my heart pounding and my adrenaline pumping at an accelerated rate.
As I looked through the papers, I saw it in writing: the monthly payment. I
took a long, hard look at that, and backed away. I ran from the dealership; I
didn’t walk away, I didn’t fast walk, I ran like Forrest Gump! Thank God I did
not buy that car; otherwise, I would’ve had a bigger mess to deal with in the
financial realm.
Depression makes even the most simplest of tasks very herculean.
There were days I did not want to get out of bed. And, guess what? Since I
wasn’t working full-time, I didn’t get out of bed! As long as I had my laptop,
phone, iPad, laptop, TV remote and something to drink, I didn’t need to get up
except to use the bathroom or get me another bottle of water. And, on most of those
“bed days”, I didn’t even bother to shower or shave. In fact, at one point, I
believe I went two weeks without shaving. (Not two weeks without showering,
mind you. Maybe two days at the most.)
Depression saps your energy. You do not want to do anything
at all; whether it’s workout, go run your errands, even the simplest of
household chores (laundry, dishes, even dusting cobwebs) or get the mail. As a
result of no energy, I gained a little over 10 pounds during the winter. Depression
also makes you eat horribly (carbohydrate overload!) All I did this past winter
was lay around and sleep.
Finally, depression makes you extra sensitive and extra
angry. Everything that didn’t go as I perceived it should’ve, I got angry. I
lashed out and I said horrible things. Everyone was a target, and it didn’t
matter who they were. Even the littlest things got to me, and that wasn’t good.
Depression makes you say and do things you’d normally never do with a clear
head. If you see someone displaying odd behavior for an extended amount of
time, reach out to them. Don’t take them at their word if they say,
“Everything’s fine” or “Everything’s okay.” Be gentle, kind, and understanding;
and slowly get them to open up. Reassure and encourage them, constantly. It may
not be easy, but it will be worth it.
If you are suffering from depression or any other mental
illness, you are not alone. It is okay to seek help. I did, and I am doing much
better these days. I am now more cognizant of what I’ll need to do when my
“Seasonal Depression” rolls back around in winter 2015.
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