Anxiety: Why I Don't Drive

The looks you get from people when you tell them you don’t drive are actually hilarious. They are baffled. It is like saying you don’t have a cell phone…okay I am double damned because I don’t have a cell phone either. They always say the same thing “How do you live?” And my answer is always the same “You have to be willing to sacrifice”.





 It was never a lack of wanting.  When I was 16 is was in driver’s training like everyone else. I was a decent driver with normal anxieties about mowing down a group of nuns on accident.

I had just graduated drivers training when a good friend of mine was killed in a car accident. I was devastated. It certainly did not help that we had a fight the day before and I said “I hope you die”. That is something that is hard to recover from. After he died, I went seeking support from my Mother who instead of consoling me decided that would be the time to tell me how irresponsible I would be driving and how I couldn’t get my license until I was 18. She told me I would kill someone like my friend died.

For years after, I attempted to get my license. I took the test and received my permit 8+ times since I graduated drivers training and I have let it expire each time. I feel like I am not in control. My stomach aches. I can’t concentrate. I am afraid I am going to kill someone. I have been pushed and bribed several times by family members. In fact, I was even offered a fancy vacation and new car if I got it. I wish I could. I want that vacation. People see me as weak, as I am unable to take myself to basic events in a normal human existence. Doctors’ appointments, shopping trips, jobs, etc.  In the area I live in, it is nearly impossible to get around without a car, so I am very dependent on my husband to take me where I need to go.

I have been laughed at, joked about, yelled at, and made to feel like a fool several times about my driving phobia. However, much like a mental illness, it is hard to fathom what it is like if you have never experienced it. I have my permit again, I hope that I can follow through this time, but I am again not optimistic. The whole idea is frightening to me. I have nightmares about driving and I won’t even go on long trips anymore. It is terrible. All I can do is keep fighting and let others who don’t drive to know they are not alone. 


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