Chinese Food, Mustaches and Empty Toilet Paper Rolls

We live in a really small town in northern Michigan so grocery shopping is truly a full day event. The nearest supermarket is 30 minutes away, so we only shop every 1 ½ weeks or so. So yesterday, we decided to have lunch with the kids before we went on our long and tedious shopping trip.




 We chose a China Buffet, which is one of our favorites. It was pretty busy for a Friday afternoon but we went in anyway. I took Gabriel up and we filled our plates. He always chooses the foods that I am visually unsure of…rebel.

We sit down and start to eat. Naturally, Gabriel (after complaining of being hungry) decided he didn't want to eat. So we did the bites for drink bit. 5 bites, 1 drink. It seemed to work. After a few minutes he needed to go to the bathroom, unfortunately the men’s bathroom was occupied. And, as all mothers know, when a toddler says they need to go to the bathroom…it isn't a “you can wait “situation. It is a “he most likely already started” situation. So I took him into the ladies bathroom. We got in and locked the door. Gabe is still too small to pee standing up in a large toilet without a footstool. So I propped him up on my feet and he peed. Naturally, I then needed to go. This is when things took a turn for the worst. I sit down and pee…like I always do. To keep Gabriel from escaping we sang BINGO while I did. It was a few moments later that I looked over and saw an empty toilet paper roll staring back at me. SHIT!

Well, I saw they had a full roll in the other side of the dispenser…oh I can just slide it over. Nope. Apparently this particular China Buffet was petrified of losing a roll of toilet paper and locked the other side. I sat there and contemplated my next move. It figures that this was one of the days I decided to not wear underwear. I could have wiped and threw them in the trash. I realized at that moment that at the very least the restaurant was eco-friendly…no paper towels. Just…

A hand dryer. 

My options were clear. Drip dry and be incredibly uncomfortable on my 3 hour shopping trip with stale urine in my pants…or find a way to utilize the hand dryer. Note: I am 5’2, hand dryers are pretty high up there. So I quickly waddled to the hand dryer, turned around and raised my ass as high as I could. It was motion censored so I had to wave my hands behind my ass to start it. So there I was, trying to dry my vagina  while violently waving my hands behind me to keep the dryer on and singing Old McDonald to keep Gabriel from leaving the room. Not only was I mortified at this whole experience, I just kept thinking to myself “I saw this one show on Discovery Health that if you force air in the vagina it will travel into my uterus and up into my lung and give me an embolism and I will die right here”. I can’t die here with my wet ass in the air. Well I finally dried the back. Now for the front. Essentially, the hairdryer got a lap dance to the tune of The Itsy Bitsy Spider. I put my leg on the sink and tried my best to balance on one leg while again frantically waving my arms in front of the dryer. 

Success…finally dry. I pulled up my pants, washed our hands, and took my walk of shame. When I got back to the table I told Joe. He sat there staring at me trying his hardest to not crack up in the very busy restaurant. He said “I wish there was a video of that”. Then I was worried that maybe an establishment that locks up its toilet paper could also ignore camera laws in bathrooms. So now I had to worry about a bunch of people in a break room watching me molest a hand dryer.

We finished eating, paid, and started walking out when Gabriel insisted on a toy from the coin machine. Weird colored mustaches. I figured it was the least I could do after the scene in the bathroom. We got 3 of them and walked out. When we got to the car we put his on, and he couldn’t have been prouder of his new green mustache. It kind of made him resemble Albert Einstein. So we walked through the Supermarket for 3 hours while he would scream to people to look at his mustache.

I would say overall…our day was pretty weird. 

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